never enough, a poem

making gold 🌛

yolo it's already day 3 of me not updating anything on my what'sapp, I used to make status every single day, just to you know, to inform my loved ones about my condition, share the things I do etc etc. I don't know but I kinda started to feel like I lost myself just to please other people. mana tak nya, I myself genuinely express my big heart yet some of them take this for granted. Even more disgusting is when I feel judged, ill-watched & envied. yo, I don't usually do this to all people except for my close friends so be sure to count you blessing to be in my circle. i know taking advices from our surroundings is good thing but it's not a good thing man to be asked to be somebody else. oh well, I don't really love to talk much because we've known enough how people these days hate reading. actually I just want to write here that my birthday will be on this Sunday so I wonder does my crush knows about it or maybe... is he going to do something spectacu...

PMS never felt this awful.

March 25th. One thing that no one will ever ask, but tonight sounds so melancholic, with my ears now stuffed with " Melancholy" from Spotify. Life is currently so sad. I am alone - with realisation of that particular one who might accept me more than I do to myself? But what am I doing now? Break his heart is the only specialty I'm good at. I slowly noticed how some faces are just masks they put on. Yet you are to spare forgiveness and acceptance for them as it's part of their "survival". I hate it when people mock my opinion and don't take my words seriously. I am exhausted of being selfless for those who dont even know how to appreciate. I am burning out, for too tightly holding on to myself and the things they considered as dignity and pride. I want cry my heart out when they told me they have spaghetti, and I was all starved for it, but then they ate it without any guilts. I feel bad, when that one old lecturer who favours me fell sick because I...

orientation week

27 sept 2021; lagi 2 hari nak bday 2 onyet favourite saya HAHAHAHAHA. sekarang dah pukul 2.59 am, and I feel so fresh sbb baru jek bangun, dah tidur dah lepas isyak tadi hehehe. shall we start the entry- so I just woke up from my deep sleep, I went ahead open up my phone just like everyone else does hahahaha and read all messages. I don't know why but my what'sapp is always filled with new messages EVERY SINGLE MINUTE. I suddenly remembered my room mate said that " Raihana is a businessman whenever she wakes up, always with her phone replying all questions and hells there. " 😂😂😂😂😂 however that doesn't really matter, but I stopped at Farina's text that she sent me a name list of our groupings for orientation week- Yep, we are currently on orientation for our degree and I've never felt this indifferent and reluctant. despite the event is fully held online, I still force my little mind to work on a plan to escape all these. contrary to when I was in ...

engkau, a poem.

dan lembaran ini kekal kosong penaku sombong asyik mataku menjenguk purnama yang warnanya yang terangnya dan lembaran ini kekal kosong penaku sombong asyik mataku menjenguk purnama yang warnanya yang terangnya dan lembaran ini kekal kosong penaku sombong asyik mataku menjenguk purnama yang warnanya yang terangnya dan lembaran ini kekal kosong dan lembaran ini sudah penuh penuh engkau! -R, 21; kehadapan 'Ahmad'

Trees, sun rays and you, poem

I have never Felt this way Where this heart of mine Pounds for you everywhere To the outside world I explore And the trees They talk so much more Of how much of you that i miss -Strange, but where are you? R, 21st of November

Insecurity-

27th June 2022. So I have this little secret I hid, deepest in my heart; Something of its truth I won't admit, but poison is never meant to be kept. - My insecurity. For all these years of living, it's quite shocking to say that I have been thinking of suicide so much for this semester. Nobody knows, how hard for me to cope with everything, and it's even funnier when people described me as "problemless" - quite a compliment for me for being hell good at camouflaging the flaws. There were times I wished to be killed during my sleep, for somebody to suddenly come and stab my back during my prayer. I sometimes lusted to fall sick and to have the most beastly disease on earth and die. I just hate of living. I don't want to meet anyone. I have no idea where of all these are coming from, I did everything - from turning on the Ruqyah for myself, to have some emails from Malaysian government of mental health careline.. I even had spilling session with somewhat ...

🦋 It's Raihana & no one else 🦋

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