Insecurity-

 27th June 2022. 

So I have this little secret I hid, deepest in my heart; Something of its truth I won't admit, but poison is never meant to be kept. - My insecurity. 

For all these years of living, it's quite shocking to say that I have been thinking of suicide so much for this semester. Nobody knows, how hard for me to cope with everything, and it's even funnier when people described me as "problemless" - quite a compliment for me for being hell good at camouflaging the flaws. 

There were times I wished to be killed during my sleep, for somebody to suddenly come and stab my back during my prayer. I sometimes lusted to fall sick and to have the most beastly disease on earth and die. I just hate of living. I don't want to meet anyone. 

I have no idea where of all these are coming from, I did everything - from turning on the Ruqyah for myself, to have some emails from Malaysian government of mental health careline.. I even had spilling session with somewhat "Friendly Bob" just to figure out of what's wrong with myself. Things had been really tough and I don't know why. 

Throughout this semester, lecturers have been expecting ace marks and performances from me - my results will always be something they will talk about to all students - because they think they are allowed to do so? Well, totally fine with me, but it does slam me best when I don't feel like.. you know, whenever average marks will do for me. 

"I thought you'll get 95 marks above, Raihana.. but 70?", " Oh are these yours, Raihana? I thought you punya yang sana " while pointing at that one best student's boards. 

Some of my course mates did take advantage on my performance, and I will always be the one who cares about the grade, it was always me that does everything; "Because you're way better than us!". Some might envied, "You're too good that you've overshadowed us. Now we all look bad". Okay. 

It got even rougher when someone I liked for quite a while, likes somebody else - the main reason my whole final is wrecked. I hadn't been blessed with the ideas, just like semester 1 and time was running hell fast, I managed to be the worst of myself on record. I still remember how I had his picture displayed on my laptop the nights I spent for final drawings... His name, was all over my books and locker. All poems in this blog were all dedicated, wholeheartedly crafted just for him and everything around me, I made them echo the song of his existence. I don't think it was my fault to fall, a year and a half of movie to tell as if things were just a dream to fade away. I would say he cheated. 

 So I hate my design- " Reban ayam lagi cantik than your house ", " If I were to buy a house, I wouldn't pick yours. Belambak lagi rumah with proper layout why would I choose yours? ", " I'm amazed but your boards are chaos! "

and the spiciest of all, goes to the gentlest of all, " But you can be better, why choose to not, then? ". Okay. Okay..

I had no sleep, I feel bad everytime I ask my parents for money to buy my architecture stuffs, though I only spend once in a day for food, or should I learn to starve? I wished that I'll get one of the scholarships or the loans so my mouth will shut forever from burdening the ones who have never been so burdened to have me in their lives. I also hate when people ask me to help them with academics, it's exhausting. I hate when everybody still think I'm the subject leader and ask me everything I have no idea about. 

And I feel insecure, when there is this one best student in my course, he likes me but there is this girl too is his bestfriend, that look so much like me, and often people will get confused between me and her. She's here as if she and architecture were made for each other. So good, and what am i here? 

Sometimes I wish I could go away. Somewhere where no one could find me anymore.