Was scolded by my all day-praised teacher, i am mentally ill

" Last night i cried myself to sleep,

  For the one that makes me weep 

  I dried my eyes to greet the day

  And wondered whyyy i had to pay? "

I am very thankful that Allah s.w.t placed me in my current high school. I got to learn the Fiqh perfectly and know how to read the Quran. I got good fellows and teachers and  also good environment. My teachers were stuffed with knowledges from many parts of the world. Some studied in Sudan, some in Africa, some in Jordan & Syria, some in India. And there were originally from Arab land itself! They only know so little bahasa Melayu but that's alright as long as we are still able to communicate. I was truly blessed for what i am given and being sprinkled with.

All the seerah I've been told and convey, all the hadis I've been memorized and also how good my Arabic really is. I can read and understand the Arabic text without any Arab sign and meaning. All thanks to Allah for expanding my chess and my dearest teachers who never stop believing me and here what i am today.

So last week was a hard catastrophic week I've ever had. I was scolded by one of my favourite teacher. Let's get things clear since the tendency of him to read my blog is 25%, so let's just call him Ustaz H.

He scolded me at the school office that loaded with students, teachers & staffs. And, no one defended me! He really sprayed it! I was so shocked because I had never been scolded that way. We were debating just about Ridsect @ mosquitoes spray je pun and yah the flame inside me was getting bigger and bigger that it kept whispering to my ear, ' EXPLODE '!!!!!!

But he is my teacher so i know my gap. You know how hard i tried to to control my anger to someone i can't get mad on. My eyes slowly turned to glass and just waiting its time to crack. I am really hurt that time.

Those who knew me, know that i can't get along with someone whom so ignorant.  Especially after i threw a smile. And this time, my teacher's eyes really shows no mercy on me. I don't know what was the wrong thing i did. I really don't get it.

 I did smile, i talk like everyday, in such normal-me-tone. What with this punishment? For i am that kind of "listen, understand and reply" kinda gal so i sprayed it to him; " OH IF SO, YOU DON'T HAVE TO TALK TO ME LIKE THAT, SIR "

" DAH HABIS CAKAP KAN? HA KELUAR LAH" 

and oooh, i was asked to get out from the office. Can you believe it? For a very good student like me? Who listened to EVERY RULES, who is deadly TRYING to adapt the school-people culture. And this is what i get? I know, it did hit so hard.

Defending my own self, i replied, " ya. Memang! Memang saya nak keluar pun! "

I grabbed my friend's hand, Najibah's hand. Though she was still in an awe, i mean this is literally the very 1st time she saw kinda spicy argument between a dicipline teacher and a good student, we went straightly to the exit door and put on my shoes.

I headed back to my classroom where there was no one since it is recess. I wanted to cry, for this was too heavy that i need somebody to help me deal with it.

Later, after everyone was done with recess, I told some of my friends about what i just had. And it gave such a relieve for i have their shoulders. And yes i finally cry. Not because im sad nor embarrass, but because I CAN SPEAK UP BUT I DONT, I CAN JUST GET MAD LIKE NOBODY BUT I DONT. 

And that day turned out so grey. I didn't listen to that day lessons, and harsh words kept coming out from my mouth. I just can't believe that one of my favourite teacher did something like that towards me. Everything upset me.

My chemy teacher noticed that only my body in her class, but the words she expressed for me kononnya ambil berat was nothing than make me even more upset. It came when she said that i did nothing to improve my grade. Hey i am angry right now!!!!!! i got no time to care about my grade!!!!!!!!!!!!  I am disappointed!!!!

After the gloomy incident,  i cried almost  every night.. and wondered whyyy i had to pay? Why do i have to take the blame? And why i need to forgive for he didn't apologise? Also why do i need to apologise for i did absolutely nothing wrong? I just wonder why he was so mad at me? Was he sick? Was he had a bad day and looking for such punching bag? I need answers!

Don't worry people. I'm still going to behave like nothing happen. That's my skill. I'm still mad anyway.

My mom often reminds us that things will work out just fine if you have a heart of stone. Everything will ALWAYS be smooth if you're being so cold.

But hm, i don't want to be easy.

Written by yours truly,
Raihana.