PMS never felt this awful.

March 25th.

One thing that no one will ever ask, but tonight sounds so melancholic, with my ears now stuffed with "Melancholy" from Spotify. Life is currently so sad. 

I am alone - with realisation of that particular one who might accept me more than I do to myself? But what am I doing now? Break his heart is the only specialty I'm good at. 

I slowly noticed how some faces are just masks they put on. Yet you are to spare forgiveness and acceptance for them as it's part of their "survival". 

I hate it when people mock my opinion and don't take my words seriously. 

I am exhausted of being selfless for those who dont even know how to appreciate.

I am burning out, for too tightly holding on to myself and the things they considered as dignity and pride. 

I want cry my heart out when they told me they have spaghetti, and I was all starved for it, but then they ate it without any guilts.

I feel bad, when that one old lecturer who favours me fell sick because I didn't get A on his subject. I can literally feel his dissappointment boundary. If only he knows, I did try my best. 

I want to explode when I heard the secret I hardly tried to keep now is something people talk about. 

Heart broken, for someone I had a crush on in such a long time. He didn't even read my damn desperate message. He is busy spending his typical weekend with girls he knew. 

I want to kill myself.. Whenever I think about the amount of money I need for my study.. and the hardships spent for it... yet I have no idea if my parents are proud. 

I feel ashamed... when the path I walked is different from everyone else.

There are days.. When I suddenly speak english terribly.

To mix around and to adapt is never easy. I do force myself so tough until it looks effortless. But it never meant for others to take advantage. 

I am so left out from religious knowledge. 

That pain you feel when you thought that you might have something special with somebody you just met... then the things in common you shared is basically means nothing.

It feels terrible to ignore your friend without telling them to fix their mistakes but you just cant help it. 

To count those who love you... to accept for what you are.. It is awful to think if they might be never your family... 

It is tiring, to easily be likeable by everyone else.... 

Somehow I wish to be a singer, so I could sing the thoughts out loud. Like taking this pain as something I enjoy. 

Some days just feel like this... to question self-existence.. 

Raihana, 21