Me,

 30th. November 2024.

Hi it's me again after so long, quite feeling sandwiched in wanting to write this entry in Malay, for the other day was like a message from God that my mom quoted a piece of Malay poem to me on the day of my convocation and I was so drown into finding its meaning and yep the meaning did find and found me. It somehow slapped me right on my face bdjsjsjd but oh well I still want to write here in English just so anyone can read in case I wouldn't be able to read and even remember the bittersweet memoir of my life. :)

The poem sounds like this;

Rumah kecil tiangnya seribu, rumah besar tiangnya satu. 

When you do your searchings you might find out various of interpretations but for me, the line somehow tells that when I was little I have my mom as my pillar, and she alone can be my thousand pillars. But now when I'm getting older and wiser, occupied with hell tons of responsibilities, I'm gonna go thru everything alone. And me alone is as weak as one pillar. 

Looking at the poem piece, we know how genius our ancestors were that they came up with such wise advice through such poetic lyric as their daily spoken language and conversation. -  However, that's not the main thing I want to write here. It's just main dish's sidekick today. 

I woke up this morning and saw my favorite man sent me his updates. But I was not in my mood since yesterday and even a day after yesterday. Let me tell you why, that perhaps some of you might against my kind of reactions towards this matters but I could never lie to myself about how I feel. 

My favorite man got his first class degree and got a car for himself as he is going to start his next chapter next week as an assistant architect. If you meet me in person, try to compare with all the texts I wrote for you. It'll be totally different; the feeling, the expression and everything. So I decided to give my man a call just so he knows how happy I am for him that I always support him in whatever he does. 

But yes he has this one habit where he loves to not answering my phone calls. 😄 You know what, it took me a lot to call someone! I had to go too many procedures, I had to find my fucking time to do so and I even have so much things on my plate. Why can't just people try to understand the effort...... I could go and fucking call somebody else, or reply to somebody else's messages that have been decade unopened, unread.

Okay then perhaps it was just me being so dramatic - he has his other errands too, but let me tell you, this guy he just loves sending emoji after he saw my missed calls. Like broooooooo how does that even help?? Can that emoji tells him what I want to tell him, or can it help me to feel better about my unanswered calls? 

And he always not tell me why he didn't answer the call. Like I always tell him every single thing why things are like this and like that, why I reply him late; because I urgently need to finish this one fucking drawing, because I had to pluck my mom's white hair, because I need to cook for my siblings - I ALWAYS TELL HIM WHY and even say sorry for certain things!!! And then the script always like "are you okay?" - why on earth if I'm okay or not as if I'm the problem, the real question here is HIM, IS HE OKAY?????? ALRIGHT TAK ALRIGHT? 

Now I just wished him unexcitedly through text, as mundane as tasteless as a wish could be - cause my excitement was in the previous unanswered calls hehe where later if we break up, he might recall me as someone who never even excited for what he does - for sure, after he met someone who he can answer her calls and feel her excitement. 

And yep men never notice. They want you to spoon-feed them every single thing, better if you can come up with your own version of textbook. He even thanked me for the wish. Is that even a courtesy or is he making a joke of me? 🥲 The thing is, on this very morning, where I am still laying on my bed and enjoying my back pain, I wonder if I let this one feeling go, just drink it as if nothing happens, it'll be the thing I'm gonna do forever cause it's the thing I make used to -  And I don't want that. 

Or he, who wants this.?

Entahla nak. 

Aku je kot. 

Ok bye.